Ladies and Gents, I’d like you to meet April 28, 2008

Wave Dancer

She’s a beaut, eh????  Ahem. Well – There it is – the sweet boat Dan and I are calling home – check out the numerous solar panels, kayak and other random crap that is crowding the decks of our own little Black Pearl. Everyone has been bugging me to get these photos up – so here they are! I’ll try to make Dan take a pic of me with the dinghy – which we refer to as “Dinghy” like its a dog or something. For example (stop me if I’ve told this one before) This morning I was trying to sleep but was awoken by a REALLY annoying banging noise. I yell, “Dinghy, be QUIET!!!” and then run outside to move Dinghy so she hits the bumpers and not the boat. Yeah. That’s life without TV folks. Now that Dan has brought home his little surf ski (check him out on it on the Flickr page) its like Dinghy has a friend to play with. Of course, Surf Ski is definitely playing second fiddle and Dinghy is first place in my heart.  Surf Ski is an eyesore. All the neighbors hate her.

Speaking of my neighbors, Saturday afternoon I was leisurely reading a book, hanging out alone on WD when out of the blue I hear really loud chanting. Think - Monks chanting with music in the background – except they are chanting “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Yep – that’s our neighbor Dave. He cleans to this monk CD pumped up 30 decibels and struts around his cat in these tiny little green shorts. After he was done cleaning and the monks were on “My Heart Will Go On” he decided to cool off by jumping into the river. YEAH. That river. Poop City. He splashed around for a while and then crawled back onto his boat and hosed off. Why he couldn’t have just hosed off in the first place I have no idea, but  hey – to each their own.

LOVE

 

Just Another Manic Monday April 21, 2008

Today started off not at all how I had planned it. Actually, I hadn’t really planned for anything – so I don’t know how it couldn’t have started off weird. First of all I had to dinghy good ol’ Danny boy into shore at 6:30 am so he could go to work – while on shore I had to fold our laundry in the laundry room left over from last night all while not waking myself up enough so that I could actually go back to the boat and fall asleep again for a while. I know, I know – 6:30 is not that early, blah blah blah. But when you are at work until midnight and don’t get to bed until around 1:00 six hours of sleep does just not seem like enough. Plus I had jack-all to do today, so why not sleep in?!? I laid around for a while and then got called in to work lunch around 9:00 and so I went in around 11:00 to get ready. Once in the shower I was treated to absolutely NO hot water, the lights turned off (apparently they are on a timer) in the middle of freezing shower and I forgot my shirt and had to dinghy back to the boat just to get it. UGHHHHHH. Now I am on my break and just waiting patiently for staff dinner to be put up and I can stuff my face because I have only had three crackers to eat and its 4:00. Whew. Now that is over…. let me see what has been going on lately

1-  A notice was put up at work regarding staff bathrooms and maintaining general “hygeine”. Being the smartass I am, I wrote on the note “I before E except after C or when sounding like A as in neighbor or weigh”….. Welllllll lets just say my manager Guy was not very impressed and was ranting and raving around the restaurant Friday afternoon demanding to know the culprit. Don’t worry all, I bought him a Cadbury chocolate bar and let him cool off over the weekend – its all good. Also according to Australians I didn’t spell “neighbor” right anyway and I am just as bad of a spelling/grammar offender as he is.

2- Last night was this cook Jamie’s last night. He is Korean and during his tenure we have all been treated to learning some Korean slang – such as “Schlangen” – I know that’s not at all how it is spelled, but thats how it sounds. It means essentially human garbage – so I’ll walk into the kitchen sometimes before my shift and I’ll hear “Hey Jackie Schlangen” followed by laughter and high pitched giggling – not to mention the other Asians in the kitchen all pumping their fists and yelling “Team Asia!!!” at the top of their little lungs. MAN.

3- Two apprentices in the kitchen and I – Dom and Graham all have these stupid rope bracelets from Frangelico bottles that we wear around our wrists. (Yes, Dan hates it) Graham handed them out one night and now we all better have them on when we work – or at least have it in your pocket or the other two will come up to you with their stupid rope bracelet and wave it in your face and say something along the lines of “Oh, Jackie…. thanks for nothing. I see how I rate. Don’t come see me for chips later” and so on – don’t worry – I can dish it out too – like threatening having all my tables have special orders or something. But seriously – I have been losing sleep making sure when I get ready for work I have that damn rope bracelet in my backpack or else.

4 – Dumb blonde moment of the week: This time its not from me (whoo hoo!) I was with Laura the other day and we were talking about the phrase “That guy has less culture than yogurt” – I think its stupid and not funny at all and Laura said “I don’t get it. I mean, culture – like, Greek yogurt?”  Well…. I thought it was funny.

LOVE!

I Never Thought I Would Say This… April 15, 2008

But I think I miss Ken. Ugh. There, I said it. To tell the truth, my life has been one big slice of boring pie since that little sailor got on his jet plane and left. So yeah. No posts because there has been nothing to post about dammit. The head of the American EPA came in with eight body guards one night – everyone laughed because I didn’t know his name right off the bat – but I ask you – WITHOUT Googl*ng – do you know his name? Yeah. Didn’t think so.  Actually I have already forgotten his name, which is something I shouldn’t be admitting, but hey.

I can say I have a slight idea of how celebrities feel because I don’t think I have ever had my picture taken so much in my life since moving on good ol’ WD. It seems as if everytime I get off the boat and load myself clumsily into the dinghy I’ve got some tourist (Asian natch) taking my picture and oohing and ahhing about “Boat People”. It happens all the time. OR people stop and point at me as I start the dinghy and begin motoring to shore. One would think I had a unicorn in the dinghy. The ultimate best is probably the number of wedding pictures I have inadvertantly gotten myself in – it seems like everyone who gets married in Brisbane comes down to the waterfront at the gardens to get their pictures done and its always at the same time I want to come in or go back to the boat. Sorry to all you happy couples because usually its in the mid day and I’m just coming in to shore wearing grubby shorts and a dirty white tee so I can go to the bathroom. Or like this morning when I am yelling at Dan to go faster because I could possibly pee my pants and he’s taking his sweet time. That kid will be late for his own funeral, I tell you. Weel, that was morbid.

Alright. I’ve got nothing. I’ll try to do something stupid at work tonight. Maybe I’ll start a discussion with the kitchen regarding their new menu item “Traditional Louisiana Gumbo” which is neither traditional or from Louisiana.

LOVE

Crowded House April 7, 2008

Monday here and I am recuperating from the weekend – no, not from alcohol but from mild emotional trauma. Let me jump into my time machine and take you back….back…. to Saturday evening

I had the day off and spent it online, running errands and not going to my friend Virve’s house for a cocktail party – which now I am regretting for more than one reason. I don’t even have a good reason for not going – and now I am thinking of a peace offering because I didn’t even call to say I wasn’t coming (I feel horrible about that – so rude). Dan had to work and so that left me alone on the boat. I went into town and got all the essentials – water, bottle of wine, Jackpot Noodles and settled in for a nice night alone with a book – I have to admit I was kind of excited about it, actually. So – here I am, I have wolfed down the takeaway – drank one glass of wine and am having a nice little lie-down when I hear someone yelling from the Botanic Gardens right across from WD… It sounds like “Dan” or “Ken” or something – and I get a bit spooked until I remember its Saturday night and people are walking drunk through those stupid gardens all the time making a ruckus (I should’ve known better…) The yelling stops and I dismiss it until about 10 minutes later I hear a boat being rowed up to ours. Then I hear Ken yelling “Anyone home?! I’m coming aboard!” Four letter words are racing through my head. I’m trapped. I peek my head out and yelp “Ken!” He conned some poor soul into giving him a ride over to the boat from the pontoon I guess. He gets on board and then informs me that he needs a place to stay the night and WD is it. I guess he’s never heard of a hostel or calling anyone to tell them in advance. He asks me if I heard him yelling (I deny hearing a peep) and then tells me he’s been calling Dan “all night long”. I say “Dan is at work, and won’t be back until Midnight” This doesn’t phase him at all. He jumps on in, makes himself at home and has me clear out the v-bunk so he can sleep up there (I honestly don’t know where else he would fit). We then sit and have a chat for about an hour (longest hour of my life) where he tells me the flight to Columbia will take three months and shows me pictures of him and his girlfriend. (Think Glamourshots – when they opened) FINALLY he tells me he needs to go in and take a shower – so he leaves and I frantically text Dan to keep him abreast of the situation. When he came back I made an excuse about going into town to see some friends and hightail it to Dan’s work where I sit with him while he finishes up. (FYI Ken never called Dan “all night long”. meh) So yeah… I know – I sound whiney but seriously, when you rent a place from someone you don’t expect them to show up and ask to sleep there – I mean, that is why you are paying them, right?!? Am I wrong in thinking this? Additionally, we had to get up at 6:00 am to take him back to the pontoon so he could catch his flight. Well, Dan had to get up and take him in I can’t lie about that. Don’t judge me – driving the dinghy makes me nervous.

Well, alls well that ends well – Ken got a good nights sleep and we awoke to the sounds of his gassy morning routine which included a few heart-shaking coughs and a little wee in the bathroom with no door inches from my head. Love ya Ken – have a great time in Columbia.

Second traumatic event happened Sunday night after I worked a double. Dan picked me up – we were back at the boat and wham, bam thank you – I fell in the dirty, dirty Brisbane River. I didn’t really know how I managed to do it, but don’t worry – as soon as Dan pulled me back into the dinghy by my backpack and was headed back to shore so I could take a shower he went at length rubbing it in that I didn’t do it right – didn’t tie the rope right, didn’t step right and didn’t hold on right. Thanks for the criticism honey, LOVE YOU. Color me bitter. Now my cheap phone is ruined – so don’t call me. 

My “blond” moment of the week: Tilly and I are sitting on the back of WD chatting and talking about the other boats in the marina – The Jewel is my favorite – and I make this comment regarding this huge white rusted boat named “Lupus” -”Gee, I don’t understand why you would name a boat after a disease” and Tilly replies (very matter-of-factly BTW) “Well, Lupus is “Wolf” in Latin”. Like, oh, you poor little ignorant American…. Don’t they teach you anything in school?    ugh……

LOVE

The Latest April 5, 2008

I know you all want to see pics of the infamous Ken, but its kind of hard to take a picture of someone you are trying desparately to avoid. Also I thought of what I would say to him in order to take his picture and the best I could come up with was “My mom wanted to see a pic of my landlord” – yeah… sh*t is weak. He is leaving for Columbia tomorrow (fingers crossed) but there is a good chance I’ll run into him today – in fact I just saw him yesterday and it was another gem filled conversation – First of all he saw Jean Paul and for some reason thought he was Dan – even though a – they look NOTHING alike and b- he has never seen me with Jean Paul and would have no idea that we are even friends or even know each other. Secondly, when I did see him I was sitting in the laundry room reading waiting for some clothes to dry – he hunted me down and we chatted for a while then he just stood there quietly clicking through numbers on his phone. I don’t know what he was doing or why he didn’t leave but he was just looking at the phone for a good five minutes – I started reading again and then all the sudden out of nowhere he yells “My van blew up! Yeah, the engine in my camper van just blew right up – its new! I can’t believe it” I almost jumped out of me seat and was like, “Oh…. bummer Ken!” Yeah – I’m sorry the engine blew up but seriously this guy is a scavenger and thinks that EVERYTHING is new. He tried to tell us the engine on the dinghy was new – uhhh yeah… new to him maybe? He had walked into the laundry room carrying a cord and was shoving it in people’s faces asking what it was – apparently he “found” it outside somewhere. He also told me the surf ski he has been fervently trying to unload on us is locked up at the ferry stop across the river – if “for some reason” he doesn’t get to it, he wants me to dinghy over there, unlock it (combination 1-2-3, imagine that) and tow it back to the boat. ARGH!!!! Oh – and just so we are clear this is a modified “surf board” – he’s bolted a plastic chair to it and paddles it with one of the kayak paddles. Like there is any way in hell I could actually get on the thing, stay on it and paddle it. I might as well perfect a standing back flip while I’m at it fo’ sheez…

Had lunch with a friend yesterday at P9 – I feel like I live there – thankfully I’ve got today off. No famous people in the past few days, maybe One Republic sent out a message on some exclusive celebrity bat phone and warned all others of the horrendous wait time they “suffered”. I also think I am developing allergies – specifically to men named “Ken” and sailboats named “Wave Dancer” – or maybe its just mold. Send Benadryl to the Brisbane Post Office c/o Jackie – seriously, I think that’s the only address I’ll have for the remainder of our stay – I’ll check it out though.

LOVE

Its Too Late To Apologize April 2, 2008

Things at good ol P9 have been good – but stressful. We have a few new staff members that aren’t pulling their weight (at all) and have the common sense of an infant, the kitchen is understaffed and stressed out and as a result of this we’ve had unhappy guests. People waiting 45 minutes for food, people having to wave hands wildly to get more water, people getting pissed and leaving – you know the drills of a struggling restaurant. I mean – the food is still great and there are a ton of people that work there that really give it their all, so this little boat is still afloat – but references to Titanic have not gone unnoticed. With that said – last night we had the band One Republic in – yes, yes – that American band that struggled for months and months and months to get the support to get their record out – they had a huge Myspace following, but that was about it and then one day BAM! Timbaland remixed their song and they are international superstars. So – they call in and say they will be there with a party of 12 in about 15 minutes… yeah. 12 people, 15 minutes. We were already super busy last night, but since we never pass up anyone – we said “sure”. Unfortunately the only person that could look after them was this incompetent little turd and he totally f’ed things up – long story short, they waiting almost an hour for food (no entree – just mains that were mostly fish and freakin’ chips) – the lead singer got up and threw an absolute FIT (you would think they had been famous for years, not months) and we had to comp all their drinks. Pathetic when we can’t even get our stuff together for a VIP table – ugh. It was, evidently too late to apologize. Great. I love my job.

The other day when I was avoiding Ken in the computer lab I putzed around town all day and successfully avoided seeing him – until right before I went to work I was down by the pontoon waiting for Dan in the bathroom so we could get on the dinghy and I could go get my work stuff when suddenly I look up and Ken is right in front of me. “HEY!” he exclaimed through his semi-toothless grin. “Crap. I thought to myself,” as I anxiously looked around for any sign of Dan. We then had a short conversation where now I am almost completely convinced that he has a few screws loose. Below is an example….

Me: “So, how is Gympie” (the town where he is staying before he leaves)

Ken: “I’ve got a surf ski if you want it”

Me: “Uh, no, that’s alright. When do you leave for Columbia?”

Ken: “Don’t worry about rent – just leave it on the boat and if I die you can keep it”

Me: “Ok…. I don’t think you are going to die Ken. When do you leave?”

Ken: “People die everyday. My girlfriend is really nice”

Me: “Yeah… so when are you leaving?”

Ken: “I left some roach traps on the boat for you and a fan. The fan is GREAT!”

Me: “Yeah, I saw that – thanks!”

Ken: “You know, I used to be really scared in Columbia – I don’t speak Spanish. But now I have a girlfriend and its a lot safer”

Me: “Yeah, that sounds great. So… WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?”

Ken: “I hope you are enjoying Australia. Do it now while you are young”

Me: “Yep – its been really great. We really like it here”

Ken: ” Do it now before you have babies and then have to take kids to school every day. I don’t know what it is about women – all they want is babies, and then they have them and they don’t want them anymore”

WTF!!! How can someone deal with this every day?! Thankfully around then Dan came out and they started talking – I’m sure the conversation was just as informative. Apparently he is leaving next Sunday and is looking for a place to stay Saturday night -he asked Dan. I guess he hasn’t heard of a hostel. I have also learned he has had a vasectomy because a woman tricked him into having two children – maybe this is where the random “all women want is babies” comment came from – who knows.

LOVE